Tears

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."

I hope that my previous post does not depress you. As I have found it most healing and it has allowed me acceptance. Thank you all.

For My Angel

Dear Baby,

I love you and I will miss you. I want you to know I prayed for you a month after having my IUD removed several months ago. I wanted you so badly. I wasn't sure if I was ever going to have children again, because this whole IUD thing was new to me. Then week after week I would test and retest hoping, longing. We were sure this was the perfect time to have an addition to our family, because we FINALLY had insurance and Maddie would be the perfect age to be a helpful sibling. Then after spending a weekend in Leavenworth I noticed a bloated tummy, heightened sense of smell, little dizziness, and then alittle nausea. I was so excited, but nervous I had taken many tests before and had been disappointed to tears. I tried to be sneaky, I went into the bathroom and took a test. HALELUJAH, you were there in my tummy and I wasn't going crazy thinking I was having ALL the symptoms.

Then some disappointment, your Dad was let go from work. We were so sad, but kept thinking everything will be alright. Maddie and myself were able to get state insurance, fantastic. So we thought, but so far they haven't paid for anything. Jan. 28th was the first time I got to see you, you were so tiny in that ultrasound screen. I was so happy to see everything looked good and to know you would join us in September.

A week or so passed and more disappointment, your Mom can't remember feeling so stressed and alone. I was some how hoping you could be the glue in holding our family together. Don't worry with my trust in the Lord and a little time I was happy again. Your Dad and I started talking about going back to school. Everything felt right and like we were headed on the right track. Your parents marriage is better than ever before.

I wanted to tell everyone about you, I wanted to shout it out on Facebook and Blog an exciting post. I did tell some immediate family and some friends that you were on your way. I was still nervous that this might have been too hastey. Your Dad couldn't NOT tell anyone so its been hard to cover up. Well I started getting this feeling call it intuition, but I think it was mostly the Spirit telling me that I was strong enough to handle anything even if it meant not getting to meet you in this life. It was so weird how miscarriage was on my mind, but I had some dear family lose some babies in the last couple years and I think that prepared me. I hope your playing with them and are good friends with your cousins. I truly love mine.

Well I started spotting up at Priest Lake while vacationing with the family. I got really nervous, but kept feeling like everything will be alright. On Sunday I had a good talk with the bishop about how sometimes something BAD happens right before something GOOD. I said I could handle it and felt like you were that "good" that I could cling too. I even shared this in my lesson with the YW, who I was dying to tell about you. I came home and realized something was not right. When your Dad and I said our nightly prayers I said, "Heavenly Father we are prepared to accept this baby with open arms, if it be they will". I had JUST taught a lesson about it being God's will and how it is sometimes different then our own. I decided the bleeding was more than normal and I was making an appointment first chance I got.

I waited till 8:02am Monday morning, Feb. 21st, to call and an appointment was made for 3pm. I was freaking out ALL day and tried to keep busy. Your Dad and I went into the appointment, I got some blood work and was sent to the other clinic for a ultrasound. My doctor was so nice. She found you and we got to see a more developed little body. You were the cutest gummy bear I had ever seen. She said that the sac looked alittle abnormal and you had stopped growing a week before, I think that means that you are a special spirit. She seemed more frantic trying to get a better view searching for your little beating heart. We even listened for it. Then I realized it wouldn't be there. Tears filled me eyes as I sort of said goodbye to your sweet little image. The doctor asked if I wanted a second opinion and I said, "No, I know". She said she was sorry and gave me a hug. This was the final disappointment and I was ready to crumble.

How could Heavenly Father think I was that strong, I certainly am not. That whole day I was a complete zombie and didn't know how to function. I couldn't breathe, it was aweful. Well your Grandma W came over and gave me a hug and told me that Priesthood Blessings can do amazing things. I realized I had just had a lesson covering this topic as well, so I asked your Dad who holds the priesthood (which means he can give blessings of comfort or healing and acts for our Heavenly Father). This blessing was like nothing I'd ever experienced before, I felt like our Heavenly Father was speaking to me through your Dad. Word after word filled me with comfort and then a promise that there would be more chances to have children. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I felt like myself again and my head was more clear. Your family and some of my friends gave words of comfort and of love. I have never felt more loved. I know some people handle these experiences differently, but I am sure that just as you were growing that your heart was beating and that you were a little person. I am hopeful and comforted in knowing that we will all be together again, because families can be together forever.

Love,
Your Momma

UNCLE UNCLE!!

I just wanted you all to know that I'm aware I've taken an extended leave of absence. I'm preparing to post soon. I just don't even know where to start. In the last 30 days 3 huge horrible life changing events have taken place. Call it a series of unfortunate events. Just when I thought I would crumble I'd recover and be hit with something harder. I guess this is my turn to pass through the refiners fine. But this is me calling "Uncle". Today has been a better day. Thank you for your support during this time.

Brian Regan

Dear Brian Regan,

Thank you for the ab work out last night, I haven't laughed so hard for a long time. Charee thank you for letting me be your date, we need to go out more often :) No really you're awesome. Wendy and Brad thanks for driving us around and getting me a dipped cone (I haven't had one since High School). I love this bit, I guess next time we'll research his old bits and shout them out during the encore.

Sincerely,
Julee

Just Maddie

This is how Maddie used to say good bye when Jon went to work. After Jon dressed in uniform, Maddie would locate her hat and would wear while we said family prayers, gave kisses, and then said bye. I say used to, because we are no longer working for Coyote Ridge Corrections Center. Bitter sweet, but I'm going to miss this sweet memory. I needed to take some "real" photos of Maddie and I think this is the best thatI got. She was really grumpy, and then I took her outside and she pepped right up. However she was still not interested in taking photos.

I felt like I needed to do a "Maddie post" since the last two were not about her.

Maddie's Latest Favorites:

-taking off her clothes & DIAPER

-SINGING everything (rain rain go away, twinkle twinkle little star, wheels on the bus, head shoulders knees toes, row row row your boat, ants go marching, if your happy and you know it, anything from Dora or Deigo)

-climbing out of her playpen

-pulling off everysingle little cushion on BOTH couches (all of which are removable, ANNOYING that they even build them like this)

-stealing Jon's glasses and running away wearing them

-playing with anything she's not supposed to (laptop, camera, razors, glasses, everything)

-emptying laundry baskets and drawers into ONE pile

-helping me empty the dishwasher

So the list could go on and on, I hope one day I get a mellow child.

Leavenworth- Icefestival

Leavenworth is a small German or Barvarian Village in the mountains of WA located close to Wenatchee River and Lake. The whole town is Barvarian themed even McDonalds and the gas stations. I honestly can't wait to do it again, maybe in the summer time for an anniversary?

So perfect, we were lucky to go the last weekend with all the lights up. There were so many people probably due to the fact that it was Icefestival, but then again probably nothing like Octoberfest or Christmas. I loved how everyone was sledding right in the MIDDLE of town! Jon and I would watch the sledders and sometimes laughed when they crashed. They were out there pretty late too. Friday night we went down to the pool/hot tub at like 10:30pm and out in the parking lot families were just getting back. Crazy.

Nutcracker museum, we laughed about this museum. Jon and I have no interest in $300 nutcrackers, but WHO DOES seriously people. We did find a rare and discontinued treasure that Jon felt impressed to purchase. We found a beautiful Royal Copenhagen hand painted Mother's Day series china plate that depicted a mother and daughter crossing the plains. Jon loves his Danish heritage on both sides of his parents family and it was ironic because we've been reading alot of family history lately. I said look it's your great great grandmother crossing the plains. It was the last of the series and half off so needless to say we purchased it. We already have a Christmas ornament from the year of our marriage made by the merged company Bing & Grondahl that also makes Danish porcelain china. This china is blue and white and is usually quite expensive. It will be fun to create our own family collection over time.

Jon said something about I don't want this to look like a myspace photo so I'm trying to supress a laugh here. We had gotten the sweetest compliment at The Chocolate Cup, where we played antique checkers on a cute table sipping our Italian Sipping Chocolate (MUCH thicker than hot cocoa) served in tea cups, the owner's wife said are you guys married to which we responded yes she said good you guys look so in love. How sweet right?

Dinner that night at Cafe Mozart. It was very high class and we spent more on the meal than I ever want to again in my life, let me explain that I thought I was smarter than everyone else and bought a coupon off of restaurant.com and planned to use it, well at the end of the meal I gave it to our waitress and she sweetly pointed out the fine print stating for parties of 4 or more. If its too good to be true then it probably is.

The romantic lighting, music, and private room was putting Jon to sleep. I quite enjoyed it.

I always forget to take a picture before we eat, kinda nasty that I took one while we were eating. Well Jon had delicious roast beef in a bordeaux sauce, the most tender we've ever tasted, and I had pork tenderloin in a wild mushroom sauce. The red cabbage you see here is very common in Europe and Jon was excited, but decided it was mushier than the Danes serve it. We had delicious international cheeses (smoked gouda, danish brie, motzarella) that we're fried and served w/ a berry sauce or marinara sauce. We also had a salad plate w/ 5 different types of salad my favorite was the spinach and the cucumber salad.

We got to this Danish bakery 30 minutes after they opened. Jon was determined to find a chocolate triangle. No chocolate triangle, but we did had a good almond kringle, burnt cream pastry, a strawberry pastry (Jon didn't think was too awesome), cannoli, and a cream cheese pastry, raspberry turnover that we took to our Gma Jean and Mary.

I've been craving a burnt cream pastry since the day we left, just think elephant ear meets cream cheese. Amazing.

Underneath the flag our his ancestors. We actually went to a shop where Jon learned that the name "Heslop" orginated in Scotland and means By Hope (Hope meaning the valley). We got to view the HESLOP "Coat of Arms" and WALKER "Coat of Arms". I found out that "Walker" actually meant that we were cloth workers and we would walk on the fabric to flatten it out. It was very interesting and would be cool one day to have it printed up w/ a copy of our "Coat of Arms". Also HESLOP has a family moto, it is "By these little things grow great". How perfect and almost scripture mastery like (small and simple things...).

Here waiting for our lunch, Saturday the last day we were there, we had some more delicious food. I had hungarian goulash (similar to my mom's recipe for beef stew) and Jon had the best reuben sandwich he's ever tasted. We were in the top floor of the building. The waiter and waitresses were dressed up in lederhosen and barvarian dresses. Jon said it was the first time he's ever seen a mexican male in lederhosen.

Farewell Leavenworth until we meet again.

Wild West

Jon and I have been wanting to take an Old Time photo for a long time. Several of my siblings, Jon's parents, Jon's Grandparents all had a antique photo. I wasn't so keen on all the booze in the photo and told her I didn't want to hold the bottle. If you find this offensive I guess I can remove it. It was fun and I suggest if you ever get a chance to do a photo shoot like this do it. The photographer complimented Jon on his cowboy appearance. The rest of the day Jon kept saying I should have been a cowboy.