For My Angel

Dear Baby,

I love you and I will miss you. I want you to know I prayed for you a month after having my IUD removed several months ago. I wanted you so badly. I wasn't sure if I was ever going to have children again, because this whole IUD thing was new to me. Then week after week I would test and retest hoping, longing. We were sure this was the perfect time to have an addition to our family, because we FINALLY had insurance and Maddie would be the perfect age to be a helpful sibling. Then after spending a weekend in Leavenworth I noticed a bloated tummy, heightened sense of smell, little dizziness, and then alittle nausea. I was so excited, but nervous I had taken many tests before and had been disappointed to tears. I tried to be sneaky, I went into the bathroom and took a test. HALELUJAH, you were there in my tummy and I wasn't going crazy thinking I was having ALL the symptoms.

Then some disappointment, your Dad was let go from work. We were so sad, but kept thinking everything will be alright. Maddie and myself were able to get state insurance, fantastic. So we thought, but so far they haven't paid for anything. Jan. 28th was the first time I got to see you, you were so tiny in that ultrasound screen. I was so happy to see everything looked good and to know you would join us in September.

A week or so passed and more disappointment, your Mom can't remember feeling so stressed and alone. I was some how hoping you could be the glue in holding our family together. Don't worry with my trust in the Lord and a little time I was happy again. Your Dad and I started talking about going back to school. Everything felt right and like we were headed on the right track. Your parents marriage is better than ever before.

I wanted to tell everyone about you, I wanted to shout it out on Facebook and Blog an exciting post. I did tell some immediate family and some friends that you were on your way. I was still nervous that this might have been too hastey. Your Dad couldn't NOT tell anyone so its been hard to cover up. Well I started getting this feeling call it intuition, but I think it was mostly the Spirit telling me that I was strong enough to handle anything even if it meant not getting to meet you in this life. It was so weird how miscarriage was on my mind, but I had some dear family lose some babies in the last couple years and I think that prepared me. I hope your playing with them and are good friends with your cousins. I truly love mine.

Well I started spotting up at Priest Lake while vacationing with the family. I got really nervous, but kept feeling like everything will be alright. On Sunday I had a good talk with the bishop about how sometimes something BAD happens right before something GOOD. I said I could handle it and felt like you were that "good" that I could cling too. I even shared this in my lesson with the YW, who I was dying to tell about you. I came home and realized something was not right. When your Dad and I said our nightly prayers I said, "Heavenly Father we are prepared to accept this baby with open arms, if it be they will". I had JUST taught a lesson about it being God's will and how it is sometimes different then our own. I decided the bleeding was more than normal and I was making an appointment first chance I got.

I waited till 8:02am Monday morning, Feb. 21st, to call and an appointment was made for 3pm. I was freaking out ALL day and tried to keep busy. Your Dad and I went into the appointment, I got some blood work and was sent to the other clinic for a ultrasound. My doctor was so nice. She found you and we got to see a more developed little body. You were the cutest gummy bear I had ever seen. She said that the sac looked alittle abnormal and you had stopped growing a week before, I think that means that you are a special spirit. She seemed more frantic trying to get a better view searching for your little beating heart. We even listened for it. Then I realized it wouldn't be there. Tears filled me eyes as I sort of said goodbye to your sweet little image. The doctor asked if I wanted a second opinion and I said, "No, I know". She said she was sorry and gave me a hug. This was the final disappointment and I was ready to crumble.

How could Heavenly Father think I was that strong, I certainly am not. That whole day I was a complete zombie and didn't know how to function. I couldn't breathe, it was aweful. Well your Grandma W came over and gave me a hug and told me that Priesthood Blessings can do amazing things. I realized I had just had a lesson covering this topic as well, so I asked your Dad who holds the priesthood (which means he can give blessings of comfort or healing and acts for our Heavenly Father). This blessing was like nothing I'd ever experienced before, I felt like our Heavenly Father was speaking to me through your Dad. Word after word filled me with comfort and then a promise that there would be more chances to have children. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I felt like myself again and my head was more clear. Your family and some of my friends gave words of comfort and of love. I have never felt more loved. I know some people handle these experiences differently, but I am sure that just as you were growing that your heart was beating and that you were a little person. I am hopeful and comforted in knowing that we will all be together again, because families can be together forever.

Love,
Your Momma